mybackup2022 | Nov. 4th, 2003

There are too many too serious entries in this LJ. It’s definitely time for some badsmut!quotes, taken from two lovely stories found on AFF.net.

The first fic has even been betaed—surprise, surprise! Reading it, one wouldn’t believe it. Before I give you the delectable quotes, there’s a question for you: why do authors think they have to come up with the most absurd, not to mention un-British names? Why do Hermione’s parents have to be called Reed and Candace, for heaven’s sake? I know, the question is unanswerable and merely rhetorical. So, on to the quotes.

First, we witness Hermione’s tongue having a leisurely stroll.
Biting and licking her way down his torso, she met his length, proudly erect.
“Hi, length,” said the tongue, “How are you?”
“So-so,” said the length. “You know, being proudly erect isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. Bit boring, actually. You?”
“Fine, thanks. Bit bored, too. So long, length--pardon the irresistible pun!--have a nice day.”
“You too. Bye, tongue.”

Hermione doesn’t just have a tongue, she also possesses a manual. “Proudly Protruding Penises and How to Prevent Them from Exploding.” Useful, really.
p. 140: “When the penis is about to explode…”
When he was about to explode
Check.
p.140, continued: “…take base into firm grip…”
she grabbed his base
Check.
p. 140, continued: “… and squeeze. Explosion should be delayed by at least five minutes, provided grip is strong enough. Attention: penis-owner might experience pain and react accordingly.”
and put pressure where needed to stop him from coming.
Check.

Sex can be many things, but it also is an Olympic discipline. Speed is as important as height, and once you’re over the finish line you even get a prize! Romantic, innit….
On the edge, Severus sat up, replaced his hands with his mouth on her breast. His hands moved to her waist to build the speed for them. Both were climbing higher, racing to meet the finish line, knowing what their prizes would be.

Threesomes for beginners: Severus, Hermione, and the rhythm.
The rhythm gained pace wanting to feel this way forever or at least try.

Ever met Severus Snape and his Proudly Protruding Pliable Shaft?
Every few thrusts he would keep angling his shaft to drag along her clit bringing her ultimate pleasure

What do you think? Was he doing a Morse code? S.O.S. maybe?
He would go deep and pause a second then retreat slowly before entering shallowly a few times then plunging deep and hard into her.

And here are a few excerpts from the second gem I found today. Nota Bene, this isn’t a first-time-smut-writing teenie. To quote the A/N: This is my first attempt at fan fiction but I usually write a lot of other erotica, I would like to explore fan fiction in more depth though so any feedback is good feedback I guess, so please don't hold back. A word of warning though this story is pretty graphic and things get pretty- well full on so if you don't like that kinda thing then I would advise you not to read this. But this is adult fan fiction so if you don't like that kind of thing then one begins to wonder why you are here in the first place. Enjoy!
A lot of other erotica... That’s really, really creepy.

All of a sudden the atmosphere in the room changed, the background grew lighter as candles appeared out of nowhere, levitating around the room out of arms reach near the ceiling, lighting up the room. The floor changed from cold cobblestone to highly polished marble.
Cobblestone. Of course. The girls’ dormitory has a cobblestoned floor. And marble is soooo much warmer than granite, of course.
The other beds in the dorm disappeared, leaving Hermoine's sole bed, which had tripled in size, four posts coming from the corners of the bed stretched up to the ceiling.
Apart from wondering whether it was a Dover sole bed, I also thought that lesser authors might just have said, “Hermione’s bed, which had transformed into a large four-poster”. But that’s, of course, the reason why they’re lesser authors.
The material of the bed had changed to suit that of royalty, the sheets made out of Egyptian silk interwoven with gold thread giving the sheets a shimmering effect.
It’s commonly known that Royalty have gold-thread-burn on their bums. God Chafe the Queen…

Many of the boys her age struggled with the joys of puberty, voices breaking and facial hair (magic inspired or not) often growing out of control. Not to mention Testosterone flying everywhere, Hermoine had often kept her small pert breasts under heavy cloaks and gowns, her long wavy hair and innocent child-like face masking her deceptive soul.
Hirsute Hogwarts! Facial hair growing out of control! Girls mislaying their breasts, because they have to hide them from testosterone rockets! Murder! Mayhem! Hormones galore!

In general (with the exception of Harry) she often lusted after older men, although not as old as Dumbledore (who by reputation often screwed both male and female in order to keep their place at Hogwarts).
Does anybody actually understand this sentence? First I thought this was about bisexual!Dumbledore, but the explanation ‘in order to keep their place at Hogwarts’ rather suggests he literally screwed them to the floor, ceiling or walls, so they couldn’t run away…

She stopped kissing momentarily and admired his cock, it stood erect at 8 inches long, slightly banana shaped tapering at the end to his bell shaped head. It was a beautiful looking cock, its skin silky and smooth to touch. His balls hung delectably underneath his cock, loosely swaying side to side in time to the movement of his body. Harry looked down at his cock too; he was completely naked.
Because everybody has hanging their balls elsewhere than under their cocks… Personally, I find ‘his balls hung delectably’ singularly off-putting.

The next quote is more or less self-explanatory.
Hermoine's hand began to stroke him harder as her breathing increased her hand against the nape of his neck pulling his shoulders into her as she groaned softly, inaudible desires of need uttered underneath her breath.

His other hand stopped stroking her back, pulling down her thong with the aid of the other hand, it was dripping wet, only that she had not been in the rain, and its moisture was not from Harry's wet body. It reluctantly slid down her svelte milky thighs pooling at her ankles.
Not sure whether the title of Book 6 is going to be “Harry Potter and the Reluctant Thong” or “Harry Potter and the Svelte Milky Thighs”.

Hermoine lay ontop of Harry, her hand continuing to stroke Harry as Harry's hands continued to inspect her cleft, running his hand down in between her legs until he found her lips. Running his hands along the length of the lips, he felt her wet as her juices trailed out from in between her lips, coating his fingers in her dripping wet nectar. Her gently ran his fingers along her crack until he found her clit, teasing it with a few light strokes before gently probing inwards, parting her lips gently with his two fingers, he slowly penetrated her. Her tightness and wetness of her pussy engulfing his fingers as he slowly slid it in and out. Probing deeper and deeper, exploring how far her tight snatch would allow his fingers to search.
I won’t say anything but: rather than an erotic scene, this makes me think of a vet inseminating a cow.

A small trickle of his cum escaped her mouth as it trickled down her chin. Hermoine instinctively sucked on it absently with her finger.
Hermione has sucking fingertips! So that’s the secret of her success. I knew there had to be something. And it’s also the proof that she’s the Giant Squid’s daughter. I knew it! I knew it! Squeeeee!