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Those patterns
Aug. 25th, 2010 08:28 amI'm sure you would never have suspected that I'm of the introspective persuasion *snorts*
Well, it does have its undeniable advantages. My belief in the power of all the different kinds of intelligence and in the usefulness of trying to become a better human being (or at least one more deserving of that epithet) is almost unlimited.
So I do have a certain skill at detecting my own behavioural patterns -- that, too, is useful, although analyzing them can get rather painful, and changing them is difficult, if often necessary.
Nothing, however, annoys me as much as watching myself while I'm reverting to a pattern I have successfully overcome.
Yesterday was a Bad Day, one of Those Black Days, which have become increasingly rare -- an unfortunate combination of circumstances and hormones may, however, result in the occasional Black Day.
I ought to have gone to the farewell party of one of my colleagues yesterday, and he's one of those I especially like, but I just couldn't work up the necessary energy. Back in the old days I always used to make up a pretext, and I didn't like it a bit. Nowadays I just tell the truth, i.e. I'm feeling like shit and don't want to go. I thought long and hard yesterday and came to the conclusion that, in this particular case, telling the truth wasn't what I should do, because I wasn't able to see my colleague in person and the explanation would have to be rather brief, i.e. it might sound more like indifference on my part than genuine distress. So I made up a (very credible and totally plausible) pretext. But even so I felt bad about it, and even though the pretext had been the result of thorough reflexion -- as opposed to something one does almost automatically and out of habit -- I felt as if I'd gone back to a place where I really didn't want to be anymore. Still, staying home *was* the better solution, since being in the middle of a party and feeling lonely is infinitely more awful to me than being at home, watching something nice together with Irene and thus slowly getting over the Black Mood.
It's gone by now, for which also many thanks to the lovely and patient f-list. (((hugs)))
Working out at the gym helped, too. Exercise isn't a panacea, but it helps to empty the mind, because you've got to focus on the body.
Comfort food helps, too. Yesterday it was simply pasta (capelli d'angelo, i.e. super-thin, short spaghetti) with diced tomatoes, basil, lots of olive oil and a staggering amount of garlic. Two glasses of wine, and a rakia nightcap.
Let's see, then, what today will bring. Definitely no work, and definitely a Macedonian lesson at 11, and tennis at 5. Ze boyz are at home with their Deputy Mother Goddess, the air is still cool, and now I'm going to have coffee on the balcony with Vesna. So any additional positive things that might come my way are really just the icing on the cake.
Am I being zen or what?
Well, it does have its undeniable advantages. My belief in the power of all the different kinds of intelligence and in the usefulness of trying to become a better human being (or at least one more deserving of that epithet) is almost unlimited.
So I do have a certain skill at detecting my own behavioural patterns -- that, too, is useful, although analyzing them can get rather painful, and changing them is difficult, if often necessary.
Nothing, however, annoys me as much as watching myself while I'm reverting to a pattern I have successfully overcome.
Yesterday was a Bad Day, one of Those Black Days, which have become increasingly rare -- an unfortunate combination of circumstances and hormones may, however, result in the occasional Black Day.
I ought to have gone to the farewell party of one of my colleagues yesterday, and he's one of those I especially like, but I just couldn't work up the necessary energy. Back in the old days I always used to make up a pretext, and I didn't like it a bit. Nowadays I just tell the truth, i.e. I'm feeling like shit and don't want to go. I thought long and hard yesterday and came to the conclusion that, in this particular case, telling the truth wasn't what I should do, because I wasn't able to see my colleague in person and the explanation would have to be rather brief, i.e. it might sound more like indifference on my part than genuine distress. So I made up a (very credible and totally plausible) pretext. But even so I felt bad about it, and even though the pretext had been the result of thorough reflexion -- as opposed to something one does almost automatically and out of habit -- I felt as if I'd gone back to a place where I really didn't want to be anymore. Still, staying home *was* the better solution, since being in the middle of a party and feeling lonely is infinitely more awful to me than being at home, watching something nice together with Irene and thus slowly getting over the Black Mood.
It's gone by now, for which also many thanks to the lovely and patient f-list. (((hugs)))
Working out at the gym helped, too. Exercise isn't a panacea, but it helps to empty the mind, because you've got to focus on the body.
Comfort food helps, too. Yesterday it was simply pasta (capelli d'angelo, i.e. super-thin, short spaghetti) with diced tomatoes, basil, lots of olive oil and a staggering amount of garlic. Two glasses of wine, and a rakia nightcap.
Let's see, then, what today will bring. Definitely no work, and definitely a Macedonian lesson at 11, and tennis at 5. Ze boyz are at home with their Deputy Mother Goddess, the air is still cool, and now I'm going to have coffee on the balcony with Vesna. So any additional positive things that might come my way are really just the icing on the cake.
Am I being zen or what?
