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Still not quite on top of the world
Nov. 13th, 2010 06:54 am...but that can't be helped, and experience tells me it will pass. I'm doing my best to enjoy what life is offering, which isn't so bad, especially as I had Thursday and Friday off work, i.e. long weekend. I didn't do overly much or rather, I didn't do anything exciting.
On Thursday I went down to the Embassy to have my Macedonian lesson, because my lessons with Dalibor always make me feel good, and this one was no exception. Then on to the gym, after which I went home for a brief shower and then had lunch with Stefan.
Re. Stefan: I really like having him as a friend, and I mean the kind of friendship where there never has been and never will be any trace of attraction on either side. So we can discuss exercising and bodybuilding (he's very knowledgeable, and we always exchange tips and points of view) but he's also -- and surprisingly for me, because he's a macho if I've ever seen one -- great for dissecting female wardrobe and makeup (!) faux pas.
After lunch, a brief and not overly bankrupting visit to Cosmos (Macedonian equivalent of Boots) and then tennis with Elena.
Evening spent at home with ze boyz.
Yesterday tennis from 10 to 11.30 with Valentina, then to the hairdresser for cut and colour, then lunch with boss and opera director, then gym (again: even 1,5 hrs after a rather moderate lunch, running is bloody exhausting). Again evening with ze boyz and Batman Begins.
So I'm not having much of a social life this week, but I really need my time at home right now on account of still-persistent, all-over shittiness.
It's partly due to Mr H, unsurprisingly, but not entirely to him. As I said yesterday to Daniel the Lovely Nephew -- Skype is the bestest invention evah!!! -- if I were 25 or even 35, it wouldn't matter as much as it does now, because telling oneself that, if it isn't him, it'll be another guy, is much easier when you're younger. So I'd say it's 70% me and 30% him, but unfortunately the sum total is still 100% shit. I'm coping, and I think rather well, but sometimes the thought "That was it, my dear, and you'll never again have a relationship" jumps at me out of nowhere, and I could just cry. All in my head, I know, and probably wildly exaggerated, but there you are. So I clench my teeth and don't cry, and go on doing whatever I'm doing.
In order to help myself get the defences back up, I deliberately asked Pinar whether she'd mind playing tennis on Sunday just with Valentina and me, because we had such fun last Sunday. If I can avoid it, I'm not going to expose myself again to Mr H's legs, looks and pent-up frustration anytime soon. The [...] briefing on Monday has been cancelled, so if I'm lucky I'll be able to avoid seeing him for all of next week and get back to a state of relative zen. I know I can't do that when I see him, so I have to create favourable circumstances. (Isn't it strange how quickly the meaning of "favourable" can change?) As far as I know there won't be any occasions next week where I might meet him socially, so I ought to be relatively safe.
Not quite up to a cheerful wave to the f-list, but I hope you're all going to have good weekends.
On Thursday I went down to the Embassy to have my Macedonian lesson, because my lessons with Dalibor always make me feel good, and this one was no exception. Then on to the gym, after which I went home for a brief shower and then had lunch with Stefan.
Re. Stefan: I really like having him as a friend, and I mean the kind of friendship where there never has been and never will be any trace of attraction on either side. So we can discuss exercising and bodybuilding (he's very knowledgeable, and we always exchange tips and points of view) but he's also -- and surprisingly for me, because he's a macho if I've ever seen one -- great for dissecting female wardrobe and makeup (!) faux pas.
After lunch, a brief and not overly bankrupting visit to Cosmos (Macedonian equivalent of Boots) and then tennis with Elena.
Evening spent at home with ze boyz.
Yesterday tennis from 10 to 11.30 with Valentina, then to the hairdresser for cut and colour, then lunch with boss and opera director, then gym (again: even 1,5 hrs after a rather moderate lunch, running is bloody exhausting). Again evening with ze boyz and Batman Begins.
So I'm not having much of a social life this week, but I really need my time at home right now on account of still-persistent, all-over shittiness.
It's partly due to Mr H, unsurprisingly, but not entirely to him. As I said yesterday to Daniel the Lovely Nephew -- Skype is the bestest invention evah!!! -- if I were 25 or even 35, it wouldn't matter as much as it does now, because telling oneself that, if it isn't him, it'll be another guy, is much easier when you're younger. So I'd say it's 70% me and 30% him, but unfortunately the sum total is still 100% shit. I'm coping, and I think rather well, but sometimes the thought "That was it, my dear, and you'll never again have a relationship" jumps at me out of nowhere, and I could just cry. All in my head, I know, and probably wildly exaggerated, but there you are. So I clench my teeth and don't cry, and go on doing whatever I'm doing.
In order to help myself get the defences back up, I deliberately asked Pinar whether she'd mind playing tennis on Sunday just with Valentina and me, because we had such fun last Sunday. If I can avoid it, I'm not going to expose myself again to Mr H's legs, looks and pent-up frustration anytime soon. The [...] briefing on Monday has been cancelled, so if I'm lucky I'll be able to avoid seeing him for all of next week and get back to a state of relative zen. I know I can't do that when I see him, so I have to create favourable circumstances. (Isn't it strange how quickly the meaning of "favourable" can change?) As far as I know there won't be any occasions next week where I might meet him socially, so I ought to be relatively safe.
Not quite up to a cheerful wave to the f-list, but I hope you're all going to have good weekends.
